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STAR
WARS Vs. TITANIC [Deep within an unknown place a group of people gather to celebrate an important occasion. Darth Vader and Admiral Piett sit at a table smoking White Owl cigars] Vader: So I says to Palpatine, I says...oh, hello Luke. [Luke enters, with Wedge who silently waves] Luke: Hey Dad. Vader: Dad, eh? Nice to see you've accepted the truth. Luke: Well, I've accepted the truth that... Vader (interrupting): That I was once Anakin Skywalker? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it before. Luke: No...I've accepted the truth that this time every year we get together and get plastered. Piett: Damn straight! Luke: What're you doin' here, Piett? You were only in two episodes; what gives? Vader: Hey! Lay off him, he's here with me. Piett: Yeah. Besides, who's the only Imperial to make it to a second movie...? Luke: Oh yeah, forgot about that... Wedge: I got into all three. And lived in the end. Vader: Don't brag. Wedge: Yeah, well who's got his own ongoing Dark Horse comics series? You, dead boy? Vader: I knew that well-acted death scene would have negative reprecussions... [Leia enters] Leia: Hey everybody! Luke: Hey Carri...uh, sis! Leia (gravely): Hello...Dad. And Piett, to whom I'm fairly indifferent. Piett: Hey Leia. Vader: Oy. Hello Leia. [turns to Luke] Is she *ever* going to treat me like her dad? Luke (sarcastically): Gee, I don't know. Tell me, exactly *what* did you do to her in that interrogation cell? Vader (shudders): Ugh, don't bring that up. I didn't know at the time who she really was, honest. Lando: Hey everybody, we're here! [All gathered cheer as Lando and Han enter, with kegs of beer in tow] Lando: Hey, you all cheering for me? Piett: No, we're cheering for the booze! [All gathered cheer again, as Lando walks into a corner and shuts up for the rest of the story] Han: Let's see: we've got Miller Genuine Draft, Coors Light and Wuher's Special Rodian Brew. Vader: Wuher's Brew, Wuher's Brew!! [Han pours a tall glass of Wuher's Brew and slides it to Vader. Others order and Han accomodates them accordingly] Luke: So, there a cake at this party? Han: Why do we need a cake, kid? We got (hic) beer. Luke: Well, it *is* a birthday today, right? Leia (aside): Was that a hiccup? Wedge: We ain't exactly the normal party-types, Luke. Vader: Define "normal," Antilles. Wedge: Well, you're a Dark Lord of the Sith with a Jedi Knight son and a daughter to whom you did...questionable things to... Vader and Leia: Shut up! Wedge: There's Han, with the obvious drinking disorder... Han: How can you (hic) say that? Wedge: Face it, Han, you haven't even had a drink yet and you're somehow already drunk. Han (pause): Oh (hic) yeah...(hic) [Other miscellaneous characters enter, with guys like Max Rebo, Garm Bel Iblis, Admiral Griff, Prune Face, 8D8, Gallandro, Mon Mothma, and others all crowding into the confined area, and a booming voice begins to talk] Voice: Attention please... Luke (to Leia): I don't think we've got enough beer for all these people. 2-1B: I'll pass on a drink. Leia: I wouldn't think you'd have one. 2-1B: Ordinarily I would have one, but I've gotta get to work early tomorrow. Voice: Quiet down please. Davin Felth: Look sir...droids! Piett: No, no, no, those are just cardboard cut-outs of C3P0 and R2-D2. Lobot: Hey, were are those two anyway? General Veers: You got me. Ever since that Insider column, Goldenrod hasn't been the same. And the astromech...cashing coins in Vegas, last I heard. Paul Ens: I'm telling you...Crimson Empire sucks the big one! Kir Kanos: No it doesn't! Paul Ens (pulls out lightsaber): That's it, let's settle this right here! Kir Kanos (pulls out his own lightsaber): All right then, fine. Carnor Jax (runs in between Kir and Paul): Hey hey! Let's not get violent here...I'm sure we can settle this peacefully... Paul and Kir: No. [They slice Jax in two, and battle] Voice: May I have your attention...? Chief Jawa: I'm tellin' ya, we were much better than you in our movie's plot. Wicket: Hey, I would've loved to have seen a planet of Wookies too, but what're you gonna do about it now? Chief Jawa: Another Special Edition? Wicket: Okay, but only if they edit out that stupid "Greedo shoots first" thing... Rich Handley: Yeah, did that screw up the continuity and canon big time or what? Ted 3000: And it sucked too. Greedo (from afar): No it didn't! Voice: Please be quiet! Vader: So like I was sayin', I says to Palpatine, I says... Voice: SILENCE!!!!!!!!!! [All gathered shut the heck up] Voice: Gadzooks, you'd think I'd be able to control you people after all these years. Luke: M-master? Is that you? Voice: Of course it is, blondie. Who else could it be? Luke: Sorry sir. Your voice sounded a lot...more regal. Vader: Yeah, like James Earl Jones. Now *there's* a voice for ya... Voice: Whatever. Now, you all know why you've been assembled here today? Wedge: To celebrate our anniversary? Voice: Yes, to celebrate our...no! Not that! All (well, most of all): What?! Luke: I knew there was a reason for no cake! Voice: You're all here because of recent events, which threaten your very existence. Piett: And what would that be, sir? Voice: You know. That movie...you know the one. Zuckuss: "Starship Troopers?" Yak Face: "Deep Impact?" Ted 3000: "Stat Trek?" [Many gathered laugh loudly] Voice: No, not those...*that* movie... [Everyone thinks, then they all get the same idea...] All: Oh, *that* movie... Voice: Exactly. Now is the time to strike, and strike we shall! Leia: What're you talking about, Master? Voice: Blast you, our spot has been taken, and we must take it back!! Han: Why don't we just wait till next Memorial Day...? Voice: Dammit it all! That's a whole year away! I want it back ,and I want it back NOW! Luke: But what can we do? We're only figments of your imagination. Voice: Yes, I know, but I can fix that. Listen carefully and I shall reveal my plan... - To Be Continued - (Tee hee, what a great place to stop the story!) ***** [Scene: a music hall. Singer Celine Dion is practicing before several directors and stage hands for a conccert later that night in Madison Square Garden. And yes, she's singing that damn Titanic song...] Celine Dion (singing): Once more...you open the door... Stage Hand 1 (aside to a director): Don't you get sick of this damn song after hearing it so much? Director 1: No. In fact the experience of hearing it so much has totally numbed my senses to the point where I can't even react to it. Stage Hand 2: Boy, what I wouldn't give to hear her shut the hell up... Celine Dion: ...my heart will go onnn....ack eh gahh!! [Just as Celine Dion goes to smack her chest she is suddenly struck by a giant axe to the gut and collapses in death. Several screams erupt from those gathered who actually liked the song, as a Gamorrean guard waddles over to the body and pulls the axe out of Celine Dion's gut. Boba Fett, stormtroopers, and several others run up onto the dimly-lit stage and open fire on the entourage] [When the dust clears, Celine Dion and her crew are all dead, and a bearded fellow walks confidently onto the stage] Boba Fett: Master, Celine Dion is dead. Tenel Ka: This is a fact. Lucas: You sure? Fett: Master, she got that big-ass axe thrown right into her gut. I would think she's quite dead. Lucas: Just make sure, just in case... [Fett nods and opens a round of laser-fire into the corpse] Lucas: That'll do. [Fett stops, and others begin to swarm around the stage. Medical droids and Rebel snowtroopers carry the stage crew's blood-soaked bodies away. Lucas stops Gallandro and Bib Fortuna, who are carrying Celine Dion] Lucas: Take her body back to the ranch and mount her over the fireplace. Gallandro: Do what to her over the fireplace?! Lucas: I...no, not like that! Just stick her up on the wall over the fireplace. Bib Fortuna: Stick her? Lucas: Enough with these disgusting sexual innuendos!! [He grabs Fett's gun and kills the two perverts] You two droids, get over here, and take this body back to Skywalker Ranch and mount her on my den wall. 8D8: Do what to her? Lucas: Just take her back to the fucking ranch!! EV-9D9: Yessir. [The two droids leave quickly] Lucas: Vader! Vader: Yes, my master! Lucas: Gather the troops and give them their assignments. By day's end, everyone associated with the film Titanic will die for their sins. Vader: And what sins would those be, for those late-comers to the story out there? [*Warning: heavy personal and fictional opinions to follow.*] Lucas (very loudly): Because of James Cameron's insolence, his shoddy and badly written motion picture managed to brainwash the people of America into seeing his piece of crap movie over and over and over again. As a result, my masterpiece, a true piece of Americana, has been thrusted from its rightful rank of "Highest Box Office Grossing Movie of All Time!" And just when they had finally given me the damn trophy, they take it away and give it to that schmuck! But his judgment day is upon him, and my hand will be the one that smites him and his damnable movie!! Now go, my minion, and make your master the man once again! Vader: As you wish! *** [A Hollywood set, where Leonardo DiCaprio is making his new movie] Director: Okay, Leo. In this scene, you consummate your relationship with Lucy. DiCaprio: Whatever. Director: Hey, what's with the attitude, Leo? DiCaprio: You know who I am? I'm the star of Titanic, for chrissakes! I don't need some two-bit hack telling me what to do! Director: Funny...I didn't think the fame and glory had gotten to you like that. DiCaprio: Well, it has. If I'm gonna get some work in this town, I gotta act like a asshole... Director: And homosexual. DiCaprio: ...to get it...what was that? Director: What was what? DiCaprio: What did you call me just then? Director: Me? Didn't say a thing. DiCaprio: Bull. You called me gay, didn't you? Director: Homosexual, actually. DiCaprio: Dammit! I'm not gay! Director: You look it. DiCaprio: No. I look like a man-child, but *not* a homosexual! Director: Whatever, just jump in the bed... DiCaprio: But...I'm the one who's supposed to be copping the attitude! Director: Just get in the bed. DiCaprio: Okay. [Leo jumps in the bed.] DiCaprio: Kate Winslet?! What're you doing in this picture? Director: We replaced the other actress and got Kate to do this scene. Kate Winslet: Yeah. Besides, I just had to do this. DiCaprio: You sound different, Kate. Like...a guy...impersonating a woman's voice. Kate Winslet: Well, you know us Brits: we love dressing up as woman for a laugh. Director: Ha! [The director tears his face off, which was a mask, and the face of Luke Skywalker is revealed] DiCaprio: Holy...! Mark Hamill?! Luke: No, Luke Skywalker. DiCaprio: Whatever. [Kate Winslet tears her face off, which was also a mask, and Admiral Piett's face is revealed] DiCaprio: Uh...who're you? Piett: Kenneth Colley, dammit! Luke: You mean Admiral Piett. Piett: Whatever. DiCaprio (looks concerned): Huh...why do I feel so turned on right now? Piett: Hey, it happens. Live with it. [Piett stabs DiCaprio right in the chest] Piett: Well, maybe not. *** Piett: Hey wait! The scene isn't over yet! Luke: Yes it is. Piett: But it didn't have it good ending. Luke: Yes it did, you killed Leonardo DiCaprio. Piett: Oh yeah. Never mind then! Carry on. *** [Skywalker Ranch: the center of the known universe. Lucas sits atop a large golden throne with billions of dollars piled up around him, and several Star Wars characters surrounding and working around him] Lucas: Vader, to my side. Vader (kneeling beside him) Already here boss. Lucas: Oh, right. Report on Operation: Kick Titanic's Ass. Vader (takes datapad and reads): Sir! Leo DiCaprio, killed by Luke and Piett. Kate Winslet: beaten into coma by Chewbacca. Celine Dion: killed and mounted over your mantle. Lucas: Reword that for future generations' sake. Vader: Right. (continues) Billy Zane: thrown off a cliff by Imperial sentinels. Lucas: Did he make one of those dust clouds like Wild E. Coyote did when he fell off a cliff and hit bottom? Vader: I...don't think so, sir. Lucas: Well, tell them to go back and do it again and again until he does. Vader: Yessir (continues) James Horner: beaten with musical instruments by Figrin D'an, the Modal Nodes, Droopy McCool and John Williams. Eric Braeden: killed at the CBS stages in Hollywood by Wedge Antilles and Tycho Celchu. Lucas: Eric who? Vader: He's the guy who played John Jacob Astor. Lucas: Oh. (pause) Wait a minute! You mean Victor from The Young and The Restless?! Vader: Um...yes. Lucas: Oh my God, you killed Victor! Vader: Yes I know, 'You bast...' Lucas: Shhhh! Don't finish that, or Comedy Central will have my ass on a platter! Vader: Oh yes, I forgot. Sorry 'bout that. Leia: Master! Lucas: Yes? Leia: Fett has brought Cameron as you've requested. Lucas: Good. Bring them in at once. [Leia leaves, and shortly returns with Boba Fett, who drags along a chained and shackled James Cameron behind him] Fett: Here's the scum, sire. Lucas: Thank you Fett. And thanks for not disintergrating him like you did virtually everyone else I asked you bring to me. Fett: Who would've thought I'd finally get the message, huh? Lucas: Right. (turns to Cameron) So Jim, how are ya? Cameron: George! What the hell are you doing? Lucas: Getting my revenge, fanboy. Cameron: But...that congratulatory picture in Variety... Lucas: Did you see the art on that thing? I could've gotten someone way better, like Struzan or Dorman, to do it if I really gave a rat's ass. Cameron: But why all these tactics? Episode 1's gonna make way more money than I did. Lucas: But that's too damn long to wait! I want the number one spot, and I want it back *NOW*! Cameron: But...I can't do anything about that! Lucas (pause): You know you're right. There really isn't anything you can do, now is there. Well, I might as well hold off all that financial revenge and cut to the chase. Feed him to the rancor! Malakili: Um, Master? Lucas: What is it? Malakili: The rancor...isn't feeling so well, sire. Lucas: Oh no...did you feed it the national brand rancor meat or the store brand? Malakili (dejectedly): Um...the store brand, sir. Lucas (slapping his head): Oh for crying out...! I told you never to feed that damned rancor that crap-ass store brand! Now I've got to deal with a puking rancor for the next two weeks! Malakili: I'll go clean up after him, Master. [He leaves as Lucas covers his face ashamedly with his hand] Cameron: Ha! That's what you get for making sequels, Lucas: more assholes to deal with! All: Hey!! Han: That was (hic) uncalled for... Lucas: Well, at least I'm not a two-bit goon who thinks a bunch of special effects and sappy emotions will make me the world's greatest director! All: Ouch! Leia: Good comeback! Cameron: Well, at least I'm the Best Director! All: Ooohhh!! Vader: Here we go...! Lucas: Oh that's it. You're dead now! Torture droid! [The droid enters] C3P0: Yes Master? Cameron: He's the torture droid? What about those guys?! [He points to EV-9D9 and 8D8] EV-9D9: Oh, we got out of that racket years ago. 8D8: Besides, the medical coverage wasn't all that great compared to the benefits of slaving around the ranch. Lucas: You see, there not assholes after all! Just appreciative creations! Take him away! Cameron: No please, I'll be good! I'll never make another big-budget movie ever again; just independent Sundance crap! I promise! C3P0: It's no use now. Now you'll see why the nickname's "Goldenrod!" Han (to Cameron): Believe me (hic)...sorry. I had no idea of that when I called him that... *** Lucas: Ugh. What a horrible way to end the story. Vader: What, with this short and humorous epilogue? Piett: The readers might not all think it's funny. Luke: Shaddup! He meant with the 3P0 thing, right? Lucas: Be quiet! It's time to plug the movie. Leia: Oh, you mean the movie none of us are in. Vader: I'm in it. Piett: Yes, but not the good you. The little punk kid you. Lucas: Coming Memorial Day Weekend 1999, to a theater near you! Vader: I was not a punk kid! Lucas: See it...or die. Leia: You can't say that to them. No one'll go. Lucas: Alright then. See it...or this guy'll be after you. C3P0: At soon as I'm done with Cameron. Luke: Ugh, the story is still gonna end sick. Lucas: Good night everybody!
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