QUANTUM PIETT
Written and submitted by Sean Walsh

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a great space battle erupted that shook the cosmos. The forces of good and evil clashed to determine who would control the galaxy. During the battle, many lives were lost, including one man, a great military leader, who was admired by many and mourned by all who knew him.

But his death was not so at all. Although he was thought struck down by a snubfighter and destroyed in an inferno, he somehow survived the blast. For the snubfighter somehow opened a breach in the very fabric of time and space, and thrust him through in the nick of time.

Now, he hurtles through both time and space, trying to find his way back home...
He has become...
QUANTUM PIETT!!!
(A Sean Walsh creation, with helpful assist by Michael Ponte)

*start prologue*
[Scene: a bizarre landscape, situated in the space/time continuum]
Piett: Wh-where am I?
[No reply]
Piett: I said, wh-where am I??
[Still no reply]
Piett: Hey! It's your damn line, Mxyzptlk!
Mxyzptlk: It's not Mxyzptlk, it's *Mxyzptlk*!
Piett: What's the difference?
Mxyzptlk: You pronouced it 'Mix-ell-plik,' while the correct way to say it is 'Mix-yez-spit-lick.'
Piett: Alright...Mxyzptlk...
Mxyzptlk: That's better.
Piett: Right. Now, where am I?
Mxyzptlk: You, my friend, are in the fifth dimension, a place set far from the normal planes of existance...
[A corporate suit enters.]
Executive: Excuse me...
Mxyzptlk: What the...?! Where'd you come from??
Executive: Hi, I'm Mike Carlin, head honcho at DC Comics. And I'm here to shut this highly illegal story down.
Piett: But...we just started it.
Mike Carlin: Yes, and in doing so you've broken dozens of copyright laws.
Mxyzptlk: You'll pay for this!
Mike Carlin: I doubt it. I can have you killed off like that in the next issue of Superman so damn easily...
Mxyzptlk: Alright, alright! Hold on a second. Here's an idea. How
about...I drop the fifth dimension reference...
Mike Carlin: Okay.
Piett: I can deal with that.
Mxyzptlk: And...I pronounce my name the wrong way...
Mike Carlin: Nope, it'll still be written the same way.
Mxyzptlk: Damn it! Fine, I'll just change my name.
[Mxyzptlk looks around cautiously, and transforms into a small insect]
Mxyzptlk: Now I'm Jiminy Cricket, the lovable singing sidekick of...
Executive 2: Excuse me...
Mxyzptlk: Gaahh! What's the hell's this now?!
Executive 2: I'm Michael Eisner, head honcho of Disney, and I'm here to prevent you from using the name of Pinocchio's friend as your own.
Mxyzptlk: Jesus! You guys can't give a simple Internet fanfic a break, can you?
Carlin and Eisner: Nope.
Mxyzptlk: Alright then. How's about...Bucky?
Stan Lee, publisher of Marvel Comics: Excelsior, Marvelites! I mean...no.
Mxyzptlk: Q?
Rick Berman, producer-guy of the Star Trek franchise: No.
Mxyzptlk: Robin, the Boy Wonder?
Mike Carlin: I'm still here, you know. And it's still no.
Mxyzptlk: Um...the "da plane, da plane" guy?
[No one speaks up]
Mxyzptlk: Anybody? [pause] Aha! That's it then! I am now...
*BLAMMO!!*
I'm Hervé Villechaize!!
Carlin: What a wierd name...much wierder than Mxyzptlk...
Hervé: It's Hervé dammit! Hervé!!
Piett: I thought this was a story about me...
Hervé: We'll get to you. But first, I'll dispose of these meddlers!
[Mxyz...Hervé points at the various executives gathered, and PRESTO-CHANGE-O! they all vanish in a cloud of smoke]
Piett: Now can we get to me...?
Hervé: But of course, Piett! Let's get out of here and onto our first journey into the cosmos!
[Hervé grabs Piett's arm, and they also vanish into a cloud of smoke...but no PRESTO-CHANGE-O! this time; no room in the budget...]
*end prologue*

QUANTUM PIETT!! #1

Shrubbery and other silliness
by Sean Walsh

[Scene: England, 932...A.D, of course. Piett and Mxyz...Hervé Villechaize arrive in an empty and foggy field.]
Piett: This doesn't look like a Star Destroyer to me...
Hervé: Whoops, guess I took us the wrong way out of the continuum. Ended up in medieval England rather than Coruscant or Endor.
Piett: Oh, thanks for the reminder brainiac.
Hervé: Wha...hey!! Don't use that word!
Piett: Why not?
Hervé: That's a DC word. Carlin'll be all over us for using it!
Piett: No, it's a real word now.
Hervé: Huh?
Piett: It's in the dictionary. Anyone can use it.
Hervé: Oh...really... [shouts] Brainiac, brainiac, brainiac!!
[Silence]
Piett: See? I was right.
Hervé: Cool. Wonder if they'll ever officialize Mxyz...well, you know.
Piett: I doubt very much they ever will.
Hervé: I always imagined it as a word to describe...confusion and stupidity mixed together...
Piett: Funny...I think it's always been that way to everybody...
Hervé: Cut the crap, Piett. Or should I call you...
Piett: No, no, no! No need to use the first name, thank you very much.
Hervé: Okay. But maybe someday I'll let it slip...
Piett: You do and I'll...what's that?
Hervé: What's what?
Piett: Listen. [a faint knocking sound is heard] That.
Hervé: You got me. Sounds like a horse, if anything.
Piett: Not quite. It sounds more like...
Hervé: What?
Piett: Well...like two coconut shells being clonked together.
Hervé: What?!
Piett: Well we are in England. Anything can happen here, no matter how silly it seems.
Hervé: Well I guess. After all, England is the home of classic punk rock...
Piett: Exactly.
Hervé: ...and Benny Hill...
Piett: Okay.
Hervé: ....not to mention crazy ol' George the 3rd...
Piett: I think they've got the point.
Hervé: ...Prince Charles and his Dumbo ears...
Piett: Hey, quit it.
Hervé: ...male comedians who cross-dress for the fun of it...
Piett: Enough already!
Hervé: ...the Spice Girls...
Piett [very loudly]: That's enough!!!!
Hervé: Geez. No need to get so pissed off at me making fun of the country you love so much [silence] Oh wait, never mind.
Piett:
Voice: Dismount!
Hervé: Whoa, did you hear that?
Piett: Sounds like people.
Hervé: Or talking horses.
Piett: I'm telling you, it's people smacking coconuts together.
Hervé: Well whoever they are, they're coming this way. Hurry up and hide!
[Piett and Hervé hide behind some shrubbery, as people (and not talking horses) come walking out of the fog ]
Hervé: Hey look! It's King Arthur!
Piett: Arthur? Looks more like Graham Chapman to me.
Hervé: Graham who?
Piett: Monty Python.
Hervé: Oh. [pause] Hey yeah, you're right, that does look more like Graham Chapman than King Arthur.
Piett: How so? Do you know what King Arthur looked like?
Hervé: Oh hell yeah. He was much more clean-shaven. And a bit bigger than this guy.
Piett: You mean fatter?
Hervé: No, I mean bigger. Big-boned, actually.
Piett: Aha.
Hervé: Quick, get down a little more. They're getting closer.
Arthur: I can't believe those pricks want us to go out and get shrubbery for them.
Hervé: Shrubbery?
[Piett points to the plant they're hiding behind of, and both gulp]
Bedevere: No shit. A bunch of pansy-asses they turned out to be. I mean, here they've got the ability to cripple a man with fear by saying one two-letter word over and over again, and what do they use that power for?
Arthur: Right, scaring a bunch of people into collecting gardening for them. I mean, what could possibly come next?
Hervé: Watch this.
Piett: Wait, what're you...?
[Hervé emerges from the shrubbery, and begins dancing around in a silly fashion making silly noises]
Bedevere: Aagghh! Midget, midget!!
Hervé: Excuse me. I'd rather prefer the politically correct term: tallness-deprived person.
Arthur: Who are you, and what are you doing in our shrubbery?
Piett: This isn't your shrubbery until you've dug it up.
Bedevere: Aagghh...um...fellow Brit, fellow Brit...
Arthur: Yes it is. Roger the shrubber allowed us to talk it.
Piett: Oh yeah...well, um...the Emperor told us to take it for
ourselves...
Arthur: Emperor? Who's the emperor? I'm the king, blast it.
Hervé: Yeah, and who the hell made you the king?
Arthur [aside]: Oy, let's not get into this again...
Bedevere: Well then, how about this: we've been sent on a mission by God to collect this shrubbery and...
Hervé: No you haven't. God sent you on a mission to find the Holy Grail.
Arthur: W-what?
Bedevere: How the hell'd you know that?!
Hervé: Oh come on now. I've seen this movie a thousand times.
Bedevere: Movie?
Hervé: Yeah. You're sent by God to find the Holy Grail, and you do.
Arthur & Bedevere: We do?!
Piett: Yup.
Arthur: Well then...if this is a movie...how do we get out of this debacle with the shrubbery?
Piett: Should we tell?
Hervé: Can't see why we should. This is a movie, you know?
Piett: This part wasn't in it though.
Hervé: Right, and it'll stay that way. Don't fret.
Piett: Well...alright. When you get back with the shrubbery, they'll tell you to go get them another shrubbery.
Hervé: One with a little path running down the middle.
Piett: Yes. Anyway, then they'll tell you to afterwards cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring.
Bedevere: A herring? That makes no sense.
Hervé: Trust us, they'll say it.
Piett: And when they do, say 'it' to the knights who say...'ni.'
Bedevere: Gah!
Arthur: Say what now?
Piett: Say 'it.'
Arthur: Say what??
Piett: No! You say 'it' to the knights who say 'ni.'
Bedevere: Ack, that word again!
Arthur: Well, what is it?
Piett: You jackass! Say the word 'it' to the knights who say 'ni!'
Bedevere: Oh for the love of...stop it!
Arthur: Oh! I say...it...
Piett: Yes!!
Arthur: Oh, right. Well, we'll be off then.
Hervé: Don't forget the shrubbery.
Arthur: Oh, of course.
Piett: How'd it get cut?
Hervé: While you two were arguing about the 'it' thing, I cut a few down.
Arthur: Right, we'll be off then. Come Bedevere!
Bedevere: Yes...sire...
Hervé: Remember to look as if you don't know what's coming next. And say the word 'it' someplace in a sentence and not all by itself. And don't forget to not mention us!
Arthur: Right-o!
[Arthur and Bedevere both leave with their coconut shell-knocking companions in tow]
Piett: You think we should've told them about how they get arrested at the end of the movie?
Hervé: Nah, that would've screwed everything up royally. Better to let them get surprised by that odd ending.
Piett: Just like this odd ending...?
Hervé: No. This is more like an "what a weak fucking ending this is!" ending.
Piett: Oh, I see.
[Hervé opens up a time/space portal, and both enter as it closes behind them]
-finis-

QUANTUM PIETT!! #2

The Uncanny Amazing Sensational Incredible X-Piett
by Sean Walsh

P[The dastardly duo of Admiral Piett and Hervé Villechaize exit the time/space portal, depositing them on another strange world. In front of them is a large and fairly regal mansion.]
Hervé: Well, here we are!
Piett: And that would be...?
Hervé: Um...home?
Piett: Ha! You screwed up again, man! This isn't Coruscant.
Hervé: Really? But the green fields of grass. And the colorful trees. And the freaks playing football by the building by said fields and trees.
Piett: First off, Coruscant doesn't have grass. Or trees. And besides...what freaks?
Hervé: Those freaks over there.
[Hervé points to a group of people some distance away, playing a fun game of football. ]
Piett: Why refer to them as freaks?
Hervé: Oh, I dunno. They just look it. I mean, come on: a blue fuzzball, a cycloptic fellow, an iceman, a Canadian.
Piett: And the hot redhead. Me-ow.
Hervé: Yeah. And don't forget the guy in the wheelchair...dude! It's Lex Luthor!
Piett: Lex Luger?
Hervé: No. Lex Luthor...in a wheelchair?
Piett: Whatever. Anyway, he's walking...um, rolling this way.
Xavier: Halt there! Who are you?
Hervé: Hey Lexy! Remember me? Hervé Villechaize?
Xavier: That lovable short man from Fantasy Island? Hell no. Never watched that show.
Hervé: Right...
Xavier: Who is this Lex Luthor fellow you speak of?
Piett: Face it, Hervé. This ain't Lex Luthor.
Hervé: Obviously. He'd know who Hervé Villechaize is.
Piett: Anywho, hello. I am Admiral Piett. And you've already meet Hervé Villechaize.
Xavier: Yes...and I am Professor Charles Xavier, of the Xavier School of...uh, Mutant...Things.
[As he introduces himself, the "freaks" assemble around the professor.
Piett: Professor Xavier, eh? I had a Professor Xavier at the Imperial Academy. Uptight jackass. Got himself shot by Han Solo he did. Smartest thing the man ever did.
Xavier: Imperial Academy? Han Solo? What is this, some stupid badly-written comic book?
Hervé [whispering to Piett]: Look who's talking...
Xavier: What's that supposed to mean?
Hervé: Huh?
Piett: Hey, how'd you hear that?
Xavier: I am a telepath.
Piett: Oh yeah. Well...what am I thinking now.
Xavier: Well let's see. You...you want to see the redhead naked.
Jean Grey: HEY!
Xavier: My word!
Piett: I meant it as a compliment, ma'am.
Jean: Oh...well, that's fine then.
Cyclops: Jean!
Xavier: Well, these are the X-Men.
Hervé: X-Men? What does the 'X' mean?
Xavier: It...um...never mind that.
Iceman: No really, Prof. I've always wondered what the 'X' meant.
Xavier: It...it means...Xavier.
Iceman: Whoa, whoa! You mean to tell me you named the team after yourself??
Xavier: Um...yes.
Iceman: Man! No wonder people hate us so much! We should change it.
Xavier: To what exactly.
Iceman: Well...I don't know. Maybe we can pick another letter.
Piett: Like 'C,' perhaps?
Iceman: Yeah, yeah! The C-Men.
[Moment of silence, as all but Piett and Hervé take a brief moment to realize exactly what that meant.]
Xavier: Oh good God!
Iceman: Haha!!
Cyclops: Well, the women would like us.
Jean: Scott!!
Cyclops: Oops. Sorry, hon.
Wolverine: I like this guy.
Beast [shaking head]: Man. I should've stayed with the Avengers...
[Suddenly the skies overhead seemingly explode with an amazing array of lights. A man runs up to the crowd.]
Lando Calrissian: Hey everybody! Take cover!
Piett: Lando Calrissian? What the fudge are you doing here?!
Lando: Good question. It's like I was just written in for a needless cameo app...GAH!!
[Lando Calrissian is suddenly vaporized by a large bolt of electricity. His smoldering remains burn the ground he was standing upon.]
Hervé: Holy crap!
Xavier: Quick Wolverine!! Stomp that fire out, before the grass is ruined!
[Wolverine stomps. From above, a man in a bubble hovers down to the ground.]
Hervé: It's John Travolta!
Piett: Um...I don't think it's that kind of bubble.
Hervé: Oh...I see.
Magneto: So, X-Men! We meet again!
Xavier: Magneto, master of magnetism! It has been a long time, old friend.
Magento: Ah, Charles. I am not here to share old memories, but rather I am here to make you and your mutants badly remembered ones!
Piett: Who's writing this crap?!
[I am.]
Piett: Oh...sorry about that, master. I just hope you're intentionally writing this stuff bad.
[Don't worry, I am.]
Piett: Oh good! Sorry for the ouburst again!
Beast: Who are you talking to?
Piett: The writer
[Yes. Yes, I can.]
Beast: Woohoo! Can you write me into an Avengers story?
[Um...no, I don't think so. I can write you into a Friday the 13th story, though.]
Beast: Hmmm...can I have sex with a hot large-breasted teenager?
[Hello? Friday the 13th...is that question really necessary?]
Beast: Woohoo! Thanks man!
[Don't mention it.]
[The Beast pops out of existance, and as a result, no one even remembers he was there.]
Wolverine: Hey, where'd Hank go?
Piett: Uh-oh, boss. He still remembers!
[No problem.]
Wolverine: Who am I? Why am I here?
[Oops, went a little too far. Only one way to fix that]
Wolverine: Oh geez, am I Canadian? Boy, this suck...*POINK*
Piett: What'd you do?
[Took him out of the story...and existance I think. Oops.]
Xavier: Oops? That's the greatest thing that's ever been done! No more Wolverine! Now we're a normal comic book!
[Out of character, Chuck. Out of character!]
Xavier: Huh? Oh...yes, right. Alright Magneto, you know what must be done.
Magneto: That I do, Charles. Brotherhood!
[From the distance, a large man runs, with two smaller men on his back. The ground shakes more as he gets closer. Slowly, of course, for a really big fat guy doesn't run all that fast. With or without the two smaller men on his back. Finally, after a few minutes, they are all assembled beside Magneto.]
Blob:
Oh..{pant}..sorry..{pant}..about..{pant}..th..{pant}..that..{pant}..Magne...to..{pant}...
Toad: I told you we shouldn't have stopped at Burger King first. How many times have I told you: too many milk shakes will come back to haunt you later.
Blob: But..{pant}..they taste..{pant}..so good...
Toad: That's what Mama Cass said, putz. Besides, Burger King sucks. McDonald's is the only decent fast-food around.
Mastermind: You kidding me? That's the best meal I've had in weeks! Way better than that McD's crap.
Magento: Enough my minions! Your master commands you to attack and destroy the X-Men!!
Toad: Right-o, master! Blob, come on!
Blob: I'll be..{pant}..right there, man..{pant}..
[Magneto, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and the X-Men all begin a big-ol' fight]
Piett: So what do we do?
Hervé [shrugging shoulders]: Got me. We can just stand around here for a while.
Piett: Sounds like a plan.
Blob: Hey..{pant}..you guys..{pant}..seriously..{pant}..can you help me up?
Hervé: Uh...sure.
[Hervé and Piett, knowing full well this will hurt, nonetheless try to help the big fatso up, but cannot.]
Piett: Oh, for the love of...that threw my back out.
Hervé: Oy! Take a breather there, Piett.
[The Blob manages to get up.]
Blob: Thanks...thanks for the help.
Piett [on the ground, motionless]: Don't mention it, Mister...
Blob: My friend's call me the Blob.
Hervé: The Blob? Your friends call you that?
Blob: Yeah, what's wrong with that? And that there's my friend, the Toad.
Toad: Someone say my name?
Hervé: The Toad?! Oh man, what crappy villains you guys are!
Toad: Huh?
Hervé: Please...'the Toad,' 'the Blob...' You guys got "lame-ass" written all over you.
Blob: We do? Ugh! Get it off!
Toad: He meant it metaphorically, you dolt.
Blob: Meta-who-ha? Is that offensive or something?
Toad: Sigh...in this case, yes. Yes it is.
Blob: Why I oughta...!
[As Blob attacks, Cyclops halves the fat bastard with his eyebeams.]
Piett: Whoa!
Xavier: Scott!! What have you done?!
Cyclops: He was going to kill the Brit and his tiny friend.
Hervé: Thanks...I think...
Xavier: But Scott! You've taken a life! What have I taught you all these years?!
Cyclops: But come on, Professor. The fat oaf had it coming...
Toad: Hey, my friend was NOT a fat oaf!
Cyclops: Oh shut up stinky.
[Cyclops looks in Toad's direction and lops his head off with another eyebeam.]
Xavier: SCOTT!!!
Iceman: Whoa...
Jean: Go Scott!
Piett: Sweet...!
Xavier: I don't believe this!! All the years you've been so loyal, and now, thanks to these two strangers, you've ruined everything!
Iceman: What're you talking about, Prof?
Xavier: I mean this, ice cube: Cyclops, you're off the team!
Beast: My word!
Jean: But Professor...!
Xavier: But nothing, Jean! Scott has managed to take all these years of loyal service to me and has thrown them away with two meaningless and unnecessary deaths.
Cyclops: So that's it, huh? I do this one thing, and it erases all, Professor?! Well fine then!
Jean Grey: Uh-oh.
Iceman: Can you see where this is going?
Cyclops: If this is the end, I might as well go out with a bang.
[He turns to Mastermind, who is helping up an apparently-injured Magneto.]
Magneto: What is going...oh crap.
Cyclops: Hey guys, smile.
Mastermind: Oh no...
[An eyebeam later, Magneto and Mastermind are sliced and diced into several dozen small and bloody pieces.]
Xavier: GAH!!!!!!
Hervé: Ouch.
Cyclops: There, now I'll leave!
Jean: I'm coming too!
Xavier: What?!
Iceman: Face it, Prof: it's no fun without Magneto, or Scott. Later dude.
Xavier: But...you can't just...you'll pay for this, you...you...
Hervé: Face facts, Chuck. It's over. No more zany adventures of the freaks and their crippled Lex Luthor look-a-like.
Xavier: You...you're both responsible for this travesty! If anyone'll pay, it'll be you...
Piett: Oh really?
Hervé: Yeah, really?
[Hervé clicks a button on his belt, and the time/space portal opens up.]
Hervé: Have fun finding us, dork.
Piett:Yeah. Later!
[Xavier watches in stunned disbelief as the two strangers enter the giant tube of light. Then, it all vanishs. Xavier pauses a moment, then looks up in the sky.]
Xavier: Oh come on! Can't you make me at least jump out of the wheelchair and dance in happiness?!
[No, Chuck, you can't jump outta character like that.]
Xavier: Oh screw you, writer-person...uh-oh.
[Uh-oh is right, baldy.]
Xavier: No wait! I didn't mean...*POINK*

*epilogue*

[A cabin in a quiet and dark summer camp. The Beast is in a bunk bed, with two girls asleep at his side]
Beast: Boo-ya! Sex with two hot and large-breasted teenagers...at the same time! Could life get any better than this?
[A crashing sound in the next room, as the door seems to creak open ever so slightly.]
Beast: Huh? What was that? Are those...footsteps? What the...oh shit, I forgot about him!!! GAAAHHH!!!!!!!
-finis-