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STAR
WARS - THE PURPLE SITH Foreword The Purple Sith a screenplay by Ali Hadden (hadden@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu) Copyright 1995. Rights to the characters of Star Wars and Barney & Friends belong solely to their owners, but the blasphemy is mine. Sensitive readers should not attempt to ingest this semi-noxious material. Not recommended for children under the age of three. Continue in good conscience. Act I Scene 1 [Setting: an interruption in the events of ROJ, shortly after the rescue of Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt. The Rebel fleet has retreated to the planet of Na'Sharuk, a marshy sort of place. Most have stayed on board their ships in orbit while chief leaders are in conference in the planetside base of operations. A lone X-wing fighter approaches the fleet, then veers toward the planet as its sun rises across the ecliptic. Fabulous Star Wars music.] Scene 2 [Inside the base of operations. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Leia Organa, Mon Mothma, Admiral Ackbar, R2D2, C3PO, and advisers are looking somewhat anxiously at a table-like viewscreen (as on Yavin in ANH), muttering among themselves. Solo seems particularly perturbed. Enter Luke Skywalker. Others greet him.] Leia: Luke! (they hug) [The Viewscreen features an episode of Barney & Friends, along with 8-bit toy piano sound--"I love you, you love me..."] Luke: (cringing) What is it? [Luke closes his eyes for a moment, reaching out through the Force to touch the children--8-bit music drowned out by marvelous "Luke reaching through the Force" music.] Luke: (opens his eyes) Amazing. I feel no presence other than that...whatever-it-is. [Han beats a fist against the viewscreen, scrambling the picture for a moment] Leia: Think of the children that have been warped by this creature. The future. Scene 3 [Vader's Super Star Destroyer, the Executor, flies elegantly through space, overshadowing all of the smaller Star Destroyers that come across its path. TIE fighters zip to and fro between ships. Awesome Imperial music...] Scene 4 [Vader prowls the bridge. Officers are bustling about, looking for anything to preoccupy themselves, anything but draw the attention of the notorious Sith Lord. A junior officer finds something odd on radar. As Admiral Piett passes, he clears his throat] Scobie: S-sir? Admiral sir? [A pause of dead silence. Piett's cheek twitches.] Piett: (hurriedly) Shall we intercept? [Vader turns his attention from Piett to the radar and stares at the blip.] Vader: (almost a purr) Track them closely, but do not alert them to our presence. [Piett nods and watches the Dark Lord exit, becoming pale.] Scobie: sir...? Scene 5 [Vader's private chamber.Vader is kneeling before a holo of the Emperor.] Palpatine: I suspected something might interfere with our visit, Lord Vader. How it
saddens me to be so long absent from my doting apprentice. (sudden menace) An absence for
which you will pay dearly. Scene 6 [X-wing flying through space. Artoo-Detoo beeps a question] Luke: No, Artoo. Nothing Ben and Yoda have ever taught will help me here. The only hope I have is to discover the nature of the beast before destroying it. (sighs) I'm completely unprepared. [Artoo beeps] Luke: No. It's not out of anger. I have to think of those little kids whose brains have been carmelized. And what if this Barney conquers the toy market? Remote controlled R2 units will be a thing of the past, my friend. [Artoo squawks] Luke: My sentiments exactly. This is the right thing to do. [Artoo beeps shortly, then whistles a series of datum] Luke: (awed) Yes, Artoo. I see it. [The X-wing flies toward a giant ship the shape of a birthday cake. The X-wing begins to vibrate as it is caught in a tractor beam.] Luke: They've got us! This is it, Artoo. Let's just hope Leia can track down Uncle George before it's too late... [The X-wing is pulled into the underbelly of the ship which is painted with a yellow smiley. Annoying 8-bit Barney music.] Act II Scene 1 [A desert in Arizona. George Lucas and Steven Speilberg are directing yet another Indiana Jones movie. Speilberg is arguing over some fine point in the script with Harrison Ford] Speilberg: It's poe-tay-toe. Lucas throws his hands in the air and retreats to a director's chair near a tent, watching the ensuing argument from further off. He wipes sweat from his forehead and opens a bottle of grog. An assistant approaches with a nifty special effects gadget.] Assistant: Holo for you, Mr. Lucas. [He sets the holocom on a crate and slaps a button. A holo of Leia appears.] Lucas: Well, if it isn't the girl of my dreams. [Leia goes into an explanation of Barney which I don't feel like repeating. Speilberg and Ford part ways in a huff and Speilberg approaches Lucas] Leia:...Mr. Lucas, you are our only hope. If you can't help us, the Star Wars universe
will be overwhelmed by...(shudders)...cuteness. [Speilberg, still miffed about the Ford encounter, takes off his baseball cap and waps Lucas across the head with it.] Lucas: Right. Well, Leia, I'll see what can be done. The entire script may have to be
rewritten. Until then, just do the best with what you have. [Both Lucas and Speilberg stare at the holocom, stunned. Lucas turns slowly toward Speilberg] Lucas: You really don't like the idea of teddybears? Scene 2 [Barney's docking bay--decorated with cardboard cut-outs of toy soldiers, balloons, and streamers. Luke's X-wing has been barraged with streamers and confetti. From the silence of his cockpit, Luke cracks open the canopy. The docking bay loudspeaker blares] Barney & Friends: (sing) And we'll have a great big party when he comes, and we'll have a great big party when he comes, and we'll have a great big party and we'll have a great big... [Luke slams the cockpit shut thus muting the music, rips the helmet off his head, and groans. He rests his head against the seat for a moment, eyes closed.] Luke: All right. One...two...THREE! [The canopy bursts open and Luke sommersaults to the deck, unholsters a blaster and instinctively fires at the loudspeaker. His blaster simply goes _pop_.] Luke: Whaa? (he looks down the barrel.) [Artoo rolls alongside him as he takes more careful aim and fires again. _Pop_. Artoo beeps.] Luke: Why? What? (he turns to look out into space--a very cheesy effect of black construction paper poked with pencil holes) It can't be... (A "sun" made of yellow constuction paper glued to a popcicle stick, smiley and all, passes by--held by a child' s hand. Luke swoons, leaning against Artoo for support) This is going to be the end of me, Artoo. [Artoo beeps reassuringly. His front compartment opens to reveal a CD-player. A giant speaker emerges from his dome and one on each side. Across the top speaker are the letters "THX".] Luke: (smiles) Fight flame with inferno. Let's see. (he digs through his flightsuit, removes a wad of CDs, peruses them.) Nope (tosses the reject). Nope (toss). Nope (toss). Ah. This is the one. (John Williams SW soundtrack. Luke kisses it and slides the CD into Artoo's player.) [Thundering SW music clashes with Barney songs. Luke takes aim at the loudspeaker and fires again. This time, a somewhat cheesy laser hits its mark. The loudspeaker fizzles.] Luke: Well, not perfect, but better. C'mon, Artoo. [Exit into the ship.] Scene 3 [Vader's TIE fighter flies out of the Executor, alone. Within, Vader taps coordinates into the navi-computer.] Vader: He is my son. Can I allow his mind to become so irrevocably damaged? [He pulls back on a lever, the TIE goes into hyperspace.] Scene 4 [Luke and Artoo enter Barney's playroom. Rows of children sit cross-legged on the floor, staring blankly at tv screens on either side of the room. Barney and his evil henchman Baby Bop are playing on a dias up front.] Barney: Ho ho! Our new friend Luke has come to play! Isn't this exciting everyone? [Artoo shrieks, becomes a cardboard cut-out, and falls flat. Luke looks disturbed.] Barney: Come on, everybodeeee! Let's all give our new friend Luke a super-dee-duper
welcome! [Baby Bop continues her advance for hugs, but Luke whacks her across the head with the toy lightsaber and sends her sprawling. He jumps to an above catwalk for safety] Barney: Now, Luke, that was inappropriate behavior. I think our new friend isn't being very nice, is he, everybodeee? [This time the children don't respond, as they all have been turned into cardboard cut-outs] Luke: What have you done to them?? What have you done to my droid?? (jumps down from
the catwalk to attack) [Barney clears his thoat, but the Force choke-hold seems to have little effect] Luke: (mutters, looks at his hand) Damn these effects. [Luke staggers back, into Darth Vader--Barney's song is backgrounded.] Vader: Luke, only with our combined strength can we remove this threat from our galaxy.
Join me. [Vader advances, achieving a choke hold on Barney. Barney falls, writhing in agony. An aura of superior special effects surrounds Vader. Sith music plays ever-so-ominously. Outside the large window, stars return to their normal being, not cut-outs of construction paper] Vader: (purrs) I will collect my son, reptile. [Barney's windpipe crunches as Vader closes his fist. Luke gets up, groggy, trying to clear his head] Luke: Father? [Exit. Finis.]
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