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THE
ADVENTURES OF THE PIED PIETT Authress' Note: Hello, and welcome to the first installment of the Pied Pietts Saga - chapter one. Or part one. Whatever. Be prepared for lots of OOC silliness and general madness! It should be noted that in the original, printed format, each part was *exactly* two pages long except for this, the first chapter, which was three for mad printing purporses. It should also be noted that this first chapter is roughly a year old, probably closer to a year and a half, but I hope you enjoy it regardless. On with the story! The Adventures of the Pied Piett It was a normal day on the Executor for Fleet Admiral Piett. He was just sitting down to enjoy his cup of what we would called coffee, but has a different name in Star Wars. At least, I think it's different... "You're digressing," the Admiral informed the writer. Oops, that's me! Sorry. Well, as I was saying, the Admiral was trying to enjoy his coffee, only it wasn't coffee. It was something rather like coffee but entirely different. "Are you getting paid by the hour?" No, for your information, I am not getting paid at all. I was trying to make a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. "Well, you've misquoted it, and it was about tea, not coffee." I know that--hey, do you mind? Ahem. As I was saying, he was drinking his coffee when suddenly, into the room burst a giant six-headed snarling alien that was hungry FOR HUMAN BLOOD!!! "Excuse me, but a monster like that is running loose on the Executor? Are you implying I'm unfit to command this ship?" No, I--please be quiet. Forget the monster. There was no monster. Instead, it's Lieutenant Jay Migali. "Never heard of him." What, now you know all of your crew by name? Just sit there and be quiet. Now, Migali was bringing a report of the monster which had ripped a hole in the time/space continuum and was now devouring the crew of the Executor. "But," interrupted the Admiral, as it was his ship and he was in command, "Darth Vader used his Jedi powers to destroy the monster. The End." THE E----- "Excuse you," said a small and very unassuming girl standing next to Piett. He turned and looked at the girl, who was only a teenager and shouldn't have been on the ship. "How did you get here?" asked Piett, surprised, as the girl had not been there a minute ago. "Easy. I wrote myself in. Now, I have come to tell you that in five seconds another space-time continuum monster is going to break down the door and you had better save me, or else I'm writing you into the X-men." "X-what?" "A terrible universe filled with subhuman life forms that are superior to humans." Piett dropped his not-coffee mug on the ground, and it bounced, because no fool drinks out of real glass onboard a ship where you could be attacked at any moment. The not-coffee went flying everywhere. "Surely you're joking!" Piett told the girl, who was now wearing not-coffee on her blouse, only it was no longer a blouse. It was a miniature Imperial uniform now. And the not-coffee disappeared. "No joke," the girl assured him. "Just do what I tell you. Here comes the monster." There was a terrible crash against the outside of the door, then a high-pitched scratching sound and some screams. Piett looked at the girl, then looked at the door where several dents were now beginning to form. He turned white. The girl patted Piett on the back and said, "hope you know how to kill a subdimensional monster." "I thought it was time/space continuum, not subdimensional." "Whatever," replied the girl, handing Piett his blaster, which was odd because Piett had been wearing his blaster. "Whatever," Piett repeated, aiming at the door. There was another loud crash, and the door burst open, revealing the terrible subdimensional-time/space continuum monster! "Hi!" the monster said. "Hi," replied Piett, aiming at its furry head. "My name's Ed," the monster continued, "and I'm not really a bad monster. You should kill the girl, because she's trying to control your life." Piett thought, then thought some more, and decided the monster was right. "Thanks Ed." Piett turned and pointed the blaster at the girl, who blinked and chewed some gum, only it wasn't gum, because-- "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't done yet," Ed informed the room. "Y'see, that girl is preventing the wonderful universe of Barney from entering this one, and she must be stopped for the betterment of mankind. You'll be a hero! Just think of it, honeybuns!" "Honeybuns?" the Admiral mouthed, turning to the subtrimensional apparition of terror and childish songs. "Barney?" He looked at the girl. "Yep. It's true, all of it. I don't have control over the monster, you know, because he belongs to Barney. If you die, I die too." "You mean the purple amphibian who entertains children for a living?" "You've heard of him?" piped Ed hopefully. "Actually, he's supposed to be related to a reptile or bird, specifically a dinosaur. He's just not," clarified the girl. "I'm surprised you've heard of Barney here." "Of course," replied the Admiral with an indignant glare. "Who doesn't know about that monstrosity?" And with that, Piett turned the blaster back on Ed and fired. Ed disappeared. "What, no blood and guts?" asked Piett disappointedly. "Sorry, nope."
An hour later, after the doors had been repaired, Piett finally sat down to drink his not-coffee, and next to him the girl drank some real tea. "Do you think I can try that Hitchhiker's Guide reference again?" "Only if you get it right," the Admiral told her in between sips of his not-coffee. After a few moments, he added, "and you haven't even told me your name yet." "Piett," the girl replied, grinning. "No, I'm Piett. Who are you?" "Piett, too." "Piett two, then." "No, Piett, too. T-O-O, not T-W-O." The Admiral considered. "I can't very well allow both of us to be called Piett. That's confusing." The girl nodded in agreement. "Sure is! But I'm Piett, too, so you'll have to live with it." "Don't you have a first name?" "You first." Piett gulped down the rest of his not-coffee and quickly said something unintelligible. "What?" "Don't expect me to repeat it," Piett told Piett, too. "No," Piett, too said. "Not 'Piett, too,' just 'Piett.'" "Whatever you say, just Piett." replied Piett, pouring himself another cup of not-coffee. The girl frowned and turned very red. "Is something wrong, just Piett?" "Em," the girl grumbled. "Hm?" "Em." "Hm?" "Give it up, Piett. You can call me Em." Piett shrugged at Em, then announced, "you are small, so I will call you Little
Em, Lil' Em, or Lilem."
THE END
NEXT TIME: Piett and Lilem battle -- YET ANOTHER OF BARNEY'S MAD MINIONS!!!! BWAAHAAHAA!!! And after that they battle the actual Barney. "Wait, I don't want to battle another minion before Barney. Let's skip to
Barney," complained Lilem. "Phooey. Adults," grumbled Lilem. Piett smiled and wrote: THE END
NEXT TIME: Piett and Lilem battle Baby Poop! "You do realize it's not really 'Baby Poop,' right?" "Drink your tea," ordered Piett, sipping his not-coffee. "I'm not going to write 'the end' one more time!"
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