|
PIETT'S
PARANOIA: SPECIAL EDITION [Lord Vader walks down the row of controllers where Admiral Piett is looking over the tracking screen of the controller communicating with the stolen Imperial shuttle. Piett is standing there with a cup of coffee, visible shaking.] Vader: Where is that shuttle going? Piett: Shuttle, what shuttle?! I don't see a shuttle...! Please don't kill me! Please!! Vader (groans to self): That shuttle. Right *there*. [Vader points to the telescreen, where a symbol of a small shuttle is marked.] Piett: I don't know. Oh God Almighty, I don't know!!! Vader (puts hand on forehead): Did you *ask* them? Piett: Ask? Oh. No, no I didn't. Vader: Well then...ask them where they're going! [Piett looks at Vader for a moment, then turns to the comlink.] Piett (clears throat): S-s-s-s-shutt-t-t-tle Tyd-d-d-diriummmmm.... wh-wh-where a-a-a-a-arrrrreeee youuuuu... going? [A moment of silence, from all parties involved] Pilot Voice/Han: Uh...could you repeat that, please? We couldn't understand a word you said. [The admiral looks back at Lord Vader, who is whacking his head against a wall, cursing to himself. The controller is trying to hide his embarassment of his commanding officer.] Piett (clears his throat again): S-s-s-s.... [Suddenly, the admiral begins gaging. Vader, having finished hitting his helmet against the wall in anger and embarrassment, turns and jumps back at the sight of his admiral beginning to go into convulsions.] Vader: What the fuck...? [Instantly, the admiral collapses to the floor dead, in a crumpled heap. Several people are hovering over the body.] Deck Commander: You-you killed him... Vader: No I didn't. He just...died. Controller: Too much coffee, huh? Vader: Looks that way to me. Hrmph. Oh well, we'll just get a new... [Suddenly, a man with a cup of coffee in hand walks around the corner. He stops in his tracks, as all those gathered around the dead admiral now fix their agape eyes on him. The man looks down at the dead body, and then back up at the crowd, with his eyes agape as well, realizing his ruse has been found out. Admiral Piett takes a swig of his coffee and tries to explain what the hell is going on.] Vader: Admiral...? But you...? How the...? What's...what's going on here? Piett: Oh...um...you see...I was...out for a moment. Pilot Voice/Han: Hello? Anybody there? Vader: Oh really? Piett: Yessir. I...had to take a wizz... [Vader again covers his face in embarassment.] Vader: Then how to explain your...twin here...? Piett: Oh. Well, that's my clone. Pilot Voice/Han: Hey! We need to get through here! Vader: What? You have a clone? Piett: Yeah. Don't you? Vader (with a hint of sadness in his voice): I...don't...know...*sniff* Piett: Yes, well, I just have him stand in now and then while I go out and need to get a refill or...you know... Vader: Yes. Piett: I didn't expect anything would have to happen while I was...you know... Vader: Yes. Piett: I guess he had a violent reaction to the coffee. Vader: Looks that way to me. Pilot Voice/Han: Come on! Let us through!! Piett: Well, I'll just...throw this guy away and...get on with my duties... Vader: Well good. [He goes to walk away, but stops and grabs Piett's arm] You don't...have any more of those guys..do you? Piett: No...what do you think; I'm going to put one in my place when we, oh, fall under attack and the ship gets destroyed, so that it dies instead of me, who would be far, far away? Vader: No, just a thought, that's all. Piett: Good. Good. Vader: Right. OK. Pilot Voice/Han: Oh for chrissakes! Move your asses and shut down the shield! [Vader walks away, as Piett deals with the shuttle. When he finishes he takes another swig of coffee and walks over to a viewport.] Piett: Heh heh heh... (We all know what that means, right?)
|
