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GRAMPA PALPATINE That Emperor is one creepy old shut-yo-mouth. I mean, look at him, for crying out loud. You don't know how old he is, how sane he is, or what he's wearing under that cloak. In fact, he kinda reminds me of a creepy grandfather or great uncle. You know what I'm talking about: the old guy who smelled like ointment all the time, who could never remember your name, and who you generally dreaded being forced to visit in The Home. Say, I wonder what it would be LIKE to be the Emperor's grandchildren? Hmm, I smell a Star Wars Moment. GRAMPA PALPATINE (Fade in on an Imperial Lambda-class shuttle, flying through space towards Endor. Inside are the Emperor's grown-up daughter, PALPATINA -- who is piloting -- and her son and daughter, PALPATANYA and PALPATONY.) PALPATINA: Are you excited, kids? (PALPATANYA and PALPATONY sit sulking in a corner of the shuttle.) PALPATINA: Kids? PALPATONY: Man, why do we gotta visit Grampa? PALPATANYA: Yeah! He's weird!! PALPATINA: Now kids, be nice. You know, if it wasn't for Grampa being the ruthless dictator of the Galactic Empire, we wouldn't live in our nice new house. PALPATONY: I don't care. I like our old house. (The radio crackles as ADMIRAL PIETT, aboard the Executor, contacts the shuttle.) PIETT: We have you on our screen now -- please identify. PALPATINA: (quizzical look) Piett? Is . . . is that you? PIETT: (whispering) Shit! It's HER! Uh . . . (clearing throat, disguising voice) Um, no, this is, ah . . . Captain Weeble! Right. Yes. Um, identify yourself, shuttle. *cough* PALPATINA: This sure sounds like Piett to me. You know, Mort, you missed your last child support payment. My daddy won't be very happy with you if he hears about this. PIETT: Oh, no, no, no, no . . . erm, Admiral Piett is, er, on leave . . . yes. (On the radio, PALPATINA can hear VADER's breathing getting louder as he approaches.) VADER: Admiral Piett? Where is that shuttle go-- PIETT: (whispering) Shhhhhhut up!! It's HER! VADER: (whispering) Oh! Uh . . . oops. Sorry. (speaking loudly) Uh, as you were . . . um . . . person who isn't Admiral Piett. PIETT: (disguising voice) Thank you, Lord Vader. (quiet sigh) VADER: (whispering as quietly as possible) Did she call you "Mort"? PIETT: (whispering also) Shhhhhhut up!! PALPATINA: Um, this is the Emperor's daughter. I'm bringing his grandchildren for a visit . . . Captain. (raised eyebrow) PIETT: (disguising voice) Right. Well, then, you're cleared for, for docking at the Death Star, then. Over and out. (click) PALPATINA: Dick. (switches off radio) (A few minutes later, the family is on their way up the elevator shaft to the EMPEROR's throne room. Cut to the throne room, where the EMPEROR has just been notified of his family's arrival.) EMPEROR: Oh goody! (pushes button on armrest of throne) Summon Lord Vader to my throne room at once! (A few minutes later, PALPATINA, PALPATONY, and PALPATANYA arrive.) EMPEROR: Palpatina! Kids!! So good to see you! Nobody ever comes to visit me anymore! PALPATINA: Hi, daddy! (to children) Kids, go give your Grampa a hug! (They give their mother reluctant looks. PALPATANYA finally, cautiously, walks up the steps and gives the EMPEROR a hug.) EMPEROR: Ahhhh! (rubs PALPATANYA's hair) Look at how big you've gotten! Why, I remember when you were shorter than an Ewok! (PALPATONY stands there defiantly, giving his mom a hateful look.) PALPATONY: I don't wanna. PALPATINA: You better go give your grampa a hug, young man, or no Bantha Crispies for you! (PALPATONY grunts and storms up the steps.) EMPEROR: And how's the big boy today? Ah ah ah! PALPATONY: (disgustedly) FINE. EMPEROR: Why, you're almost as big as Uncle Vader now! PALPATONY: (suddenly enthusiastic) Are we gonna get to see Uncle Vader? EMPEROR: He's on his way to see you right now! Ah ah ah! Come here, sit on Grampa Palpatine's lap. (pats leg) (PALPATONY looks at the EMPEROR's lap dubiously, then climbs into it.) EMPEROR: Oof! You're going to be so big and strong, young man! Would you like to be a TIE Fighter pilot when you grow up? PALPATONY: Gosh, yes! EMPEROR: Oh, splendid! Super! Ah ah ah! Say, I have something for you. (The EMPEROR pushes a button on his armrest, and a door opens up on it, out of which the EMPEROR pulls a bag of Werther's Original candies.) EMPEROR: When I was your age, MY grandfather used to give ME these. I had a little trouble opening that bright shiny wrapper . . . (he tries to open a candy, but his feeble fingers drop it) PALPATONY: Yeah, and you still do. PALPATINA: Be polite!! EMPEROR: Well, now I'M the grandfather. And what else would I give my little grandson than Werther's Original? He's somebody special, too. PALPATONY: (unenthusiastically looking at the wrapped candy) Great. EMPEROR: (to PALPATINA) And how is Morton doing? PALPATINA: He forgot another payment. EMPEROR: That scum! (VADER arrives in the elevator.) EMPEROR: Vader! Have Admiral Piett killed. VADER: Yes, my master. PALPATONY and PALPATANYA: (excitedly) UNCLE VADER!! VADER: Oh no. (The kids run up and tackle VADER's legs, pulling on his cape.) PALPATONY: Give us a dewback-ride, Uncle Vader!! PALPATANYA: Yeah! (VADER gives the EMPEROR as withering a look as he can through the mask and holds his hands out pleadingly.) VADER: Do I *have* to? EMPEROR: (testily) Of course you have to! (VADER sighs heavily and lowers himself clumsily onto his hands and knees.) VADER: (making dewback noises) Errrrrhhhh! I'm Darth the Dewback! Who wants to ride me? PALPATONY and PALPATANYA: Me! Me! (VADER crawls around the throne room with the EMPEROR's grandchildren on his back, his breathing getting more and more labored.) PALPATINA: Okay, kids, better get off Uncle Vader now. PALPATANYA: Noooo! We wanna ride some more! VADER: (wheezing) Getting . . . tired . . . cybernetic implants . . . aching . . . bionic life support systems . . . failing . . . failing . . . (VADER collapses, exhausted and unconscious.) EMPEROR: Oh, for crying out-- (pushes button) Ron! Steve! Get out here and help Vader! He's shut down again. (The two Imperial Royal Guards, RON and STEVE, come out of their little room and drag VADER's motionless form away.) PALPATONY and PALPATANYA: Awwwww!
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