THE DREAM
Written and submitted by Alison Parker

It is a rainy Adelaide day. PIETT and ALISON are standing under a balcony in a school. Behind them is a door leading to an English classroom.

ALISON (looking at school diary): I have a Maths test now.

PIETT: Oh.

ALISON (panicked): I haven’t learnt for it! I’ll fail.

PIETT: Don’t worry. I’ll do it for you.

ALISON: Thanks.

PIETT goes into the English classroom. Time flies. ALISON loses consciousness for a time and then reawakens to find PIETT standing next to her once more.

PIETT: I finished the test.

ALISON: Good. How did you go?

PIETT: 100%.

ALISON (giving PIETT in a grateful embrace): Thankyou.

PIETT: Can you tell me why I did that?

ALISON: Yeah, it’s my dream.

PIETT: I’m in your dream?

ALISON: I guess so. Generally it’s Mon Mothma, but you make a pleasant change.

PIETT: Why do you dream about her?

ALISON: I dunno. She’s always kidnapping me from Senator Palpatine.

PIETT: Emperor Palpatine.

ALISON: No, he’s still a senator in my dreams.

PIETT: Weird.

ALISON: Moderately so.

PIETT: What’s happening to your clothes?

ALISON looks at her clothes. The brown potato sack that she is wearing as a school uniform (it must be noted that this aspect is not warped by the dream – the school uniform really does look like a potato sack) is gradually turning into a Grand Admiral’s uniform. ALISON panics and quickly takes a look in a mirror, which has appeared, suspended where the view of the Adelaide CBD should be. Her eyes are turning red and her face is developing a blue tinge.

ALISON: Crap.

PIETT: What’s happening?

ALISON: I’m turning into a fake Grand Admiral Thrawn again.

PIETT: What do you mean, "again"?

ALISON: It’s a recurring aspect of my dream. Just wait a moment. The real Grand Admiral will come along soon and get shitty with me.

PIETT: Why?

ALISON: Because I’m impersonating him. He never seems to understand that I have no control over the situation. It’s just like that bloody custody battle they keep on having…

PIETT: Custody battle?

ALISON: Don’t worry.

PIETT: Right.

The school scene suddenly disappears. ALISON and PIETT are now standing on the bridge of a Death Star, which has somehow been shrunk and landed in some wetlands. Around them, the Imperial forces are battling against a Cyclops, aided by Odysseus and Mao Tse-Tung (who for some reason looks like Lucy Lawless). A Lieutenant comes up and pressures ALISON (who he thinks is THRAWN) to direct the battle.

ALISON (to PIETT, between orders): What are you still doing here?

PIETT: Where else could I be?

ALISON: I don’t know. But people never follow me around in dreams.

PIETT: Not my fault.

ALISON: Fair enough.

Suddenly Grand Admiral THRAWN appears on the bridge. His eyes flash angrily as he sees ALISON directing the battle.

THRAWN: I thought I told you to stop that!

ALISON: I know. I can’t help it. I seem to spontaneously turn into you.

THRAWN: That’s all very well, but you’re only a Sergeant at the moment. If all my Sergeants kept on turning into fake me’s, then nothing would ever get done.

THRAWN surveys the battle, which the Imperials are winning easily.

THRAWN (cont): Of course, you are doing a very good job of this. Come and see me later and I’ll see what I can do about a promotion for you.

ALISON: Thankyou, sir.

THRAWN: Don’t mention it. Now rack off.

THRAWN turns into Q and waves his hand, causing ALISON to disappear. PIETT remains on the bridge, looking somewhat bemused.

Q (to PIETT): Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

PIETT does not respond.

Q: Oh yeah. Oops.

Q turns PIETT into a food REPLICATOR.

Q (to REPLICATOR): Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.